The pain

Sitting in a room full of people when someone still feels alone then no matter how hard the person tries its still going to be the loneliest night of all. That pain in the heart and smile on the face is something which I learned and now I am a master at it. I really wonder when this excruciation is going to leave my heart and find some other place to rest. I wished for love which was mine and not shared by anyone else but what I discovered was not even near to that. What I got is too hard to live with and now I am here where the love that I have is not only divvied but can never be mine. Is this really love, I wonder and ask myself every now & then. Is it some form of love, is it even love. Let me just ask my heart. And when I ask my heart, it cries and pains and runs away, turns it’s back on me and refuses to answer , its just says that when you have already decided to break me why even ask me. So much for this venomous love; “says my heart” that you forgot about me…. How much more poison you want? “My heart asks me”, how much bruised & battered, you want to see yourself, my heart asks me again & again. I have no answer cuz I am so lost in love. I feel  I am in the middle of the road, wounded, my knees on ground, hands on road with my heart broken, its so broken that not even in the dawn, with no soul around I am able to find the pieces of my heart and then I cry and get up with my wounded legs and heart, try my best to move and I move slowly cuz its so hard to walk with broken heart but its even harder to walk without a heart and see the pieces of your heart scattered around with no one helping you pick those pieces and gather them together. So I scream and fall again. My eyes half shut& half open wait for that first ray of sun and wishes someone collects those pieces and helps me breathe again. My heart longs for a breath of new air. Heart is aching badly. With no one around it cries silently cuz if it cries out loud the world says the tears are a faux. So it cries without making any sound and tries its best to keep hush and prays to the power above to show some mercy and let go off the pain & suffering. All the power rests with in you so this much can not you do for me. I cry, I beg, I ask, I question, I wonder, I wait, I look, I pray but I can not die. So all I ask is to stop hurting me and my request is to all the masses, stop hurting me. If can not love me please stop hurting me. My heart is sick of this pain and I feel I am having some deadly disease which spreads with every minute, every second, every day, every hour. So where ever you are come and see me what pain I am into. How can you just watch and do nothing about it. Pull my hand out of this life of agony. Pull my hand from it and let me breathe freely. Please let me breathe. Dear pain I request you to let go from my heart and find some other place. Stop residing in me and go find some other home.. Go now and never come back to me again. Tell me when I open my eyes in the morning you will be gone and promise me you will never see me again. Even the well of my tears is empty now so I can not feed you with anymore tears. You will die inside me. So go and rest some place else……………………….

"Snatch"

       

Like someone takes a pause before saying, I stared at the page for a while and then at my hands searching for that line which broke itself from the happy life that I was experiencing with a changed time in my life and I thought to myself why it had to go all wrong at this point of life. Why did I let that negativity in my mind reside for so long that when it came out, it did in the form of poison. Venom which made someone suffer without my intention to hurt. I never wanted to hurt him but I did because I let the negativity reside in my mind until it had captured my thoughts so well that I moved with the damaging thoughts. My concern turned to my own selfishness.

It’s like a never ending struggle with the facets of life. I never imagined that my concerns for someone would turn into a feeling where I want to take my heart out of my soul and get rid of the feelings that senses emotions and makes the heart angry, cry and suffer. But getting rid from the act of mine was not easy. It was becoming difficult for me to explain and suggest the reasons for saying something which I never meant. I never want to hurt or cause any pain to anyone in my life as God didn’t send me in this world to do so. My purpose of life was to give and not “snatch” which I tried to do without even knowing that it was actually me who was doing a deed which is likely to hurt you.

I got nothing out of thinking negative but it only ruined me and distorted my purpose of life which I believe was to ‘give’ in the form of love and care. All I want to do is scream until I am understood, all I want to do is cry until you wipe my tears, all I want to do is walk until I reach your heart again,  all I want to do is undone the wrong and make it right until I am alive.

The only thing I did was to let my fearful thoughts out and when I did that it turned out to be so ugly that even I myself could have not imagined in my horrifying dreams the result that was to follow and come my way in the form of a blow which made me actually stand on the cliff and all I needed was a push. How I wish this cliff scene was for real. I would have spread my arms and enjoyed the journey like a falling rain. But there is no escaping now from this ordeal of mine. I can only wait for time to heal and when it is healed I will never be the same again because in this healing process I am going to loose myself forever.

It’s another morning just for the namesake and I fail to eat, sleep or even blink without thinking of the damage I caused. But here I want to ask a question to every girl. Do you or did you ever worried about your relation with your husband after marriage as in would he listen to you the way he did before marriage or would he just listen to his parents and ignore your thoughts in front of his parents thoughts and many more things like this. Has the thought that you might get lost somewhere in others thought and has to say yes to whatever is said by his parents worried you before or after the courtship? I want to know does every girl worries about her being becoming a puppet of the boy’s parents or was it just me. I can be wrong and I can be really wrong but tell me the truth did these thoughts of ‘not being heard’ never came to your mind while you were thinking of marrying the ‘one’? 

After I let my thoughts out I got to hear things from him which I never thought I would. All the things where he told me I can not do anything because if I had to, I must have done it in the past one year. Words that hit me like an arrow were if you really wanted to follow your dream then you must have until now and again followed by “you can’t do anything”. I apologized a million times and actually felt sorry for putting forward things in such a mean and selfish way where I thought about him and me. But did it give him the right to personally hit my feeling and say such mean things and he is not even sorry for what all he said.  

Every girl, woman please let your thoughts enlighten me so that I am able to move ahead from where I am standing right now. Let me know why did my mind think of ways where I wanted to ‘snatch’ my husband and elope for a while until I form a bond with him and get rid of all the interference. Should I let go of the feelings that I feel and keep mum? I am lost in my own world...........................................